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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26808511">solitude</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas'>fiveyaaas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>when autumn comes [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>All of the fics in this series will be fine to read on their own, Angst, Dark Number Five | The Boy, Dark Vanya Hargreeves, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drug Use, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, I’ll add a little disclaimer at the beginning, Loss of Virginity, Murder, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya doesn’t lose it to Five.... but she does think of him, okay maybe not THE angstiest, oof this is the angstiest fic this month i think, vanya is under the influence of drugs when she loses her virginity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:40:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,382</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26808511</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lights pounded against her eyes as she closed them. She wondered briefly what Father would have thought of her being in a place like this, and then she felt her lips curl into a smile. Her eyes opened, searching around the pulsating bodies in hopes of finding one in particular. <br/>Five did not like noise. He would not be here. <br/>She just had to find someone that looked like him. <br/>Vanya had decided that this would be what would bring him home.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>when autumn comes [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Harcest Fall Festival: Fiveya Kinktober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>solitude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mavrick/gifts">Mavrick</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Gifting this fic Mave who loves angst and because they regularly make me sad with their head-canons!!! Thank you for all the metas that make me sob and commentary on Vanyacest, truly you’re an icon!!! :’) </p>
<p>A quick disclaimer: this fic will feature Vanya losing her virginity while under the influence of drugs. As well as this, there will be murder as well in this fic. If either of those things are unsettling to read, please feel free to skip this one! It won’t affect understanding of any of the other fics in this series as they are all unrelated!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lights pounded against her eyes as she closed them. She wondered briefly what Father would have thought of her being in a place like this, and then she felt her lips curl into a smile. Her eyes opened, searching around the pulsating bodies in hopes of finding one in particular. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Five did not like noise. He would not be here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She just had to find someone that looked like him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya had decided that this would be what would bring him home. The pill she'd downed in the bathroom with her college roommate made her heart pound, but it made her </span>
  <em>
    <span>believe </span>
  </em>
  <span>in a way she hadn’t for so long. Five just needed motivation to come home, and she’d give it to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’d give it to him, and he’d come home. She just needed to do something wild enough that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>would </span>
  </em>
  <span>be motivated. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt a hand touch her back, turning around. He had bright red hair, the man touching her, and she shook her head, moving on. He wouldn’t have done the trick.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She continued to search around, feeling sweat trickling down her neck. She took off the jacket she was wearing to cover up. She was a college student, so she didn’t sneak out. Still, she felt she had had to cover up with what she had worn tonight, a tank top that left very little to the imagination. Her roommate had chosen her clothes for her, saying she couldn’t wear what she normally wore to the club; Vanya hadn’t argued as she didn’t know what the rules of the club were. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Apparently, she’d worn the right clothes because eyes started to follow her as she walked around. She felt exposed in a way, but she also felt thrilled. So long she had waited for someone to pay attention to her, and it felt like fifty someones were paying attention to her then. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Five hadn’t come by yet, but she felt that he would snap at her if he saw her now. He’d probably wrap his own jacket over her shoulders as she was pretty certain hers was missing by that point. She frowned, remembering her wallet in it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then she saw him, and she could not care a second longer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He beckoned her forward with his chin, and she felt herself breathing heavily, walking in a trance towards the man who smirks at her. His canines were just a tad too sharp, and he had no dimples when he smiled. When she saw his hand as he reached down to touch her, an umbrella-tattooed-wrist did not rest against her back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he had green eyes and dark hair and he towered above her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And he asked her if she wants to get out of there, and he’d stood in front of her, and, if Five saw him reaching down to touch her waist, he’d have said something about how she was being stupid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She agreed, nodding, and he pulled her from the club, sucking along her neck in a way that was just entirely too wet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shook her head clear. It was okay; there was no way that this could’ve been perfect. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so small,” the man said into her ear. “Like a little doll.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She glanced up at him in confusion, not sure if that was a compliment or not. His grip was just too tight, but she stood up as much as she could in the uncomfortable heels to kiss him. He grunted against her mouth, hailing a cab for them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she settled down against the seats, he climbed in next to her, reaching into her skirt. She glanced over at the resigned driver, likely knowing this would happen when he picked up two people at a club. She watched the traffic lights with her mouth open just a little, the pink gloss feeling wrong against them, like they were too sticky and the coating too viscous. The man's hand slipped into her panties, and she watched the lights of the city, wondering what it must feel like to live in any of the apartments she passed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe she should live in an apartment, she mused. She could move into one. Part of her wanted to drop out of college- she couldn’t afford it, and she didn’t know how likely it was that she would get a position in an orchestra just by having connections through professors. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you like that, baby?” The guy’s voice was overconfident for his skillset. Five’s arrogance had been warranted, considering he was talented at everything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wondered when he would get to her, the pounding of her heart seeming to reach her ears. She couldn’t tell if she felt excitement or apprehension or irritation or just too much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya realized she hadn’t responded to the guy’s question. “Yeah, sure.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure…?” His voice trailed off, like she was supposed to add something to the end. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Confused, Vanya phrased her next words more like a question, “Thank you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked vaguely irritated for a flash of a second before he said, “Anything for you, princess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya went back to watching the cars, which were much more exciting than whatever he was saying. He didn’t seem to mind, just continuing to touch her and saying things that she tuned out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they arrived at his place, he paid the cabbie before guiding her to his apartment, but the way he pulled her felt more like dragging. She eyed the monotonous doors of the apartment complex, wondering if she were from an ordinary family if she would have lived in them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He started to undress her in front of a futon, and she closed her eyes and imagined someone else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hand pulled her hair, just a tad too rough, and she wished suddenly that she had no hair at all. Maybe she should buzz it. Changing hair made sense, Vanya thought; she was changing too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was as he was pulling her to the couch that Vanya told him, “I want to be on top.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She opened her eyes to his face twisted up before finally he said, “Alright, princess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t call me that, </span>
  </em>
  <span>she wanted to say, but she climbed on top of his already unclothed lap and sunk down on him instead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was painful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had not expected it to be so painful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then he was barking out for her to continue, and she tried to let the haze of the pills she had taken take over. It didn’t entirely work, but her eyes screwed shut. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then she thought of Five, and her movements quickened. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She thought of where her best friend might be. If he thought of her too. She thought of what he might look like, and she found she liked to think about that. She found herself chanting Five’s name, not listening to whatever the person below her was saying to her, just getting off on the feelings brought on by what she was imagining. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gasped out, suddenly, realizing that she was close, and she reached down and started touching herself, blissed out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The feelings hit a crescendo, and she clenches around Five, screaming out for him before she realized that it was not him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man underneath her didn’t say anything about it, though she thought he might just have thought she had some weird kink with the number five because he kept talking about it as he went for a second round. He fell asleep on top of her a few moments later, and he tangled his hand in her hair as he did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Quietly, she disentangled from him, quickly pulling on her clothes and clambering out of the house. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know until she’d sobered the next day that she’d even been upset at all.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She snipped off her hair as short as she could with a pair of scissors at her dorm’s desk, never wanting her hair to be touched again. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Three days later, the man she met at the club died, under suspicions of foul play. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She repeated the cycle the next month.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She repeated the cycle the month after that.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Again.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Again.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Again.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, he would have to show his face after killing this many of the people she had slept with, right?</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all so much for reading. Happy Day 4 of Kinktober!!! 🍁🍂🎃🥳 (sorry this one was a lil sad 😔) </p>
<p>Now for my regularly scheduled announcement of Fiveya week: It’s from November 1st-November 7th, and the prompts are memories, dance/train, childhood, sparrow AU, guilt, endings/beginnings, and free choice. Make sure to check out the fivevanya tumblr for more information!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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